"If you can't accessorize, pulverize!"

This movie thematically sure has a lot of moving parts. There's the child's play angle, a movie which I have not seen so i would be talking completely out of my ass to discuss, but there is the toys that come to life that are evil bit, with some anti US imperialism commentary in there, and perhaps I am reading too much into this, but there struck me as some weird patriarchal stuff with the gwendy dolls. Perhaps those last two are related, but I'll let the youtube video essayists synthesize the intersection between imperialism and patriarchy out of a 1998 pg-13 movie. It's my blog and I've got 3 more of these posts to churn out for the year before I change formats and I will NOT allow a movie where tommy lee jones voices a doll, er action figure with a sick ass belt buckle who spouts empty patriotic platitudes to make me read theory. I (pretend to) read theory to impress beautiful transgender women on the internet as god herself intended.

Moving chronologically though my notes, I find Globotech to be an underrated evil company name, and am somewhat surprised it doesn't get the same play as say an Umbrella Corp, or Skynet or whatever. Although, according to my thankfully limited internet research on this fine piece of late nineties cinema, it is not as well received as I remember. Perhaps I am a victim of nostalgia for this movie, falling into the target emographic of the burger king tie ins and such when i was a kid. I feel like I even had an archer toy myself, but I'd have been so little I wouldn't remember, and her brain is currently very preoccupied with domesticating one of the neighborhood stray cats, so we may never truly know.

MICROPROCESSORS

Putting military grade microprocessors in a kids toy seems very Call Of Duty to me. I'm not sure if this comparison makes sense to even me, but there's something about the intersection of military imperialism and kids toys that makes them smell similar. I do suppose a lot of grown adults play call of duty now, but unless you're unemployed or one of those bastards lucky enough to work from home, the demographic with the most free time to spend getting to prestige 8 are 14 year olds. Wait, do they even still have prestige's in call of duty any more? The unrelenting march of time has made my priorities shift to maintaining housing and food stores. I mean also really I've just been playing the piss out of that new skate for no good reason, but I digress.

please note the sick "question reality" sticker i absolutely will be having some made of and the period appropriate powerman 5000 poster in the background.

This movie is also the last on screen role of Phil Hartman who drops the sick line of "I think World War II was my favorite war. which perfectly sums up the kind of American dissocociated attitude towards the tragedy and horrors of war that would allow for shit like major chip hazard and the commando elite to exist in the first place. Phil Hartman plays the dad of Christy Fimple (Kirsten Dunst) who is the love interest to the main character Alan Abernathy and -- wait, what the fuck are these names?? These are some series of unfortunate events, old victorian ass names to give to american preteens. I'm glad these fuck ass names knocked me out of the groove I was in as I was almost about to sum up the plot of the movie and I think instead of doing that I will just list some small things in the movie I found sick as hell, but are not worth a massive paragraph explaining.

insaniac not pictured, who rly felt like a bizzare addition to the gorgonites

I can't attest to whether or not this movie is good without the lens of nostalgia I experience it through, as I will (un?)fortunately be weighed down by the context of everything I experience until I die, but I thought it was still fun and worth a spin, especially if you've never seen it. The siege on the house at the end especially after the toy designers show up, and the commando elite are using all sorts of fucked up improvised weapons including flaming tennis balls the one wife volley's back at the soldiers is probably my favorite part. And now, just like the gorgonites at the end of the movie, I shall put this blog post onto a toy boat and sail it down the river to yellowstone park, so it can spiritually find its home, and so that I can probably take fucking robotussin and sleep on the god damn couch again. It's late october, why is it 80 degrees out? All the trees are releasing pollen again my dude, give me a fucking break already.